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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
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The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
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Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
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A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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Santa banta jokes| santa banta jokes in hindi| santa banta jokes in english| santa banta
Santa Apni Marriage Anniversary Wale Din Apne Ghar Ke Bahar Udaas Sa Baitha Tha, Banta Ne Ye Dekha Aur Uske Paas Aakar Puchha.
Banta: Oye Bahar Kyu Baitha Hai?
Santa: Yaar Aaj Marriage Anniversary Thi To Mene Wife Ko Gift Mein Chain Di Aur Usne Mujhe Ghar Se Bahar Nikal Diya.
Banta: Kyu? Chain Chandi Ki Laya Tha Kya?
Santa: Nahi, Cycle Ki.
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Circus Ka Malik Santa Ko Dante Hue Bola.
Malik: Be Parwai Ki Bhi Koi Hadd Hoti Hai Tune Raat Ko Sher Ko Khula Chod Diya Thha?
Santa Hairan Hote Hue: Iss Se Kya Farq Padta Hai Sher Ko Koun Chori Karega.
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Santa: Iss Saal Vacation Ka Kya Plan Hai?
Banta: Kuch Khaas Nahi, Pichle Saal Europe Nahi Gaye The... Iss Saal America Nahi Jayenge!
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Banta: What is the worst fear a man can face?
Santa: Leaving his mobile phone home!
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Santa: Come like a racer, sit like a yogi, & go like a king.
Banta: Was that about life?
Santa: No, this was written on a toilet door!
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Banta: What is a mixed feeling?
Santa: When you see your mother-in-law reversing your new car off a cliff?
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टीचर – संजू यमुना नदी कहॉं बहती है ?
संजू – जमीन पर
टीचर – नक्शे में बताओं कहॉं बहती है ?
संजू – नक्शे में कैसे बह सकती है, नक्शा गल नहीं जाएगा
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aaj ka social media
कॉकरोच देख कर चिल्लाते हुये दस किलोमीटर तक भागने वाले पाकिस्तान को धमका रहे होते हैं कि “अब भी वक्त है सुधर जाओ”।
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सुबह एक महिला फल वाले से अंग्रेजी में फल मांग रही थी ये बोलकर – “Give me some destroyed husband”
एक घंटा लगा यह समझने में कि वह “नाशपति ” मांग रही थी।
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जब शादीशुदा आदमी कहे कि वो सोच कर बताएगा तो इसका सीधा सीधा मतलब होता है वो अपनी पत्नी से पूछ कर बताएगा
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दो पड़ोसन आपस में बात कर रही थी
पहली पड़ोसन: तुम्हे पता है 24 साल तक मेरे कोई औलाद नहीं हुई
दूसरी पड़ोसन : तो फिर तूने क्या किया ? 😮😮😮
पहली पड़ोसन : जब मैं 24 साल की हुई तब घरवालों ने जाके मेरी शादी करवाई फिर कहीं जाकर मुन्ना हुआ 😬😝😜
दूसरी पड़ोसन ICU में भर्ती है
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संजू: आज तो facebook ने बचा लिया
राहुल : कैसे ? क्या हुआ ?
संजू : आज बीवी का बर्थडे था
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संजू : पंडित जी , किसी सुंदर लड़की का हाथ पाने के लिए क्या करूं?
पंडित जी: किसी मॉल के बाहर मेहंदी लगाने का काम शुरू कर दे…
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Shayari| Hindi shayari| Shayari in Urdu| Love shayari| Sad shayari| Shayari fo the day| Dosti shayari in hindi| Funny shayari
मुस्कुराते पलको पे सनम चले आते हैं,
आप क्या जानो कहाँ से हमारे गम आते हैं,
आज भी उस मोड़ पर खड़े हैं,
जहाँ किसी ने कहा था कि ठहरो हम अभी आते है।
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Dil pe kya guzri wo anjaan kya jane,
pyar kise kehte hai wo nadan kya jane,
hawa ke sath udh gaya ghar is parinde ka.
kaise bana tha.. ghosla wo tufaan kya jane!
दिल पे क्या गुज़री वो अनजान क्या जाने,
प्यार किसे कहते है वो नादान क्या जाने,
हवा के साथ उड़ गया घर इस परिंदे का..
कैसे बना था.. घोसला वो तूफान क्या जाने।
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Mere aankhon ke aansu kah rahe mujhse,
Ab dard itana hai ki saha nahi jata,
Na rok palako se khul kar chhalakane de,
Ab yu in aankhon mein raha nahi jaata.
मेरी आंखों के आंसू कह रहे मुझसे,
अब दर्द इतना है कि सहा नहीं जाता,
न रोक पलको से खुल कर छलकने दे,
अब यूं इन आंखों में रहा नहीं जाता।
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Kabhi usne bhi hume chahat ka paigam likha tha,
Sab kuch usne apna humare naam likha tha,
Suna hai aaj unko humare jikar se bhi nafrat hai,
Jisne kbhi apne dil par humara naam likha tha.
कभी उसने भी हमें चाहत का पैगाम लिखा था,
सब कुछ उसने अपना हमारे नाम लिखा था,
सुना है आज उनको हमारे जिक्र से भी नफ़रत है,
जिसने कभी अपने दिल पर हमारा नाम लिखा था।
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Hath pakad kar rok lete agar,
Tujh par jara bhi zor hota mera,
Na rote hum yu tere liye..
Agar hamari zindagi me tere siwa koi aur hota!
हाथ पकड़ कर रोक लेते अगर,
तुझ पर ज़रा भी ज़ोर होता मेरा,
ना रोते हम यूँ तेरे लिये..
अगर हमारी ज़िन्दगी में तेरे सिवा कोई ओर होता..
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न पूछो हालत मेरी रूसवाई के बाद,
मंजिल खो गयी है मेरी, जुदाई के बाद,
नजर को घेरती है हरपल घटा यादों की,
गुमनाम हो गया हूँ गम-ए-तन्हाई के बाद!!
Na Pucho haalat meri ruswaai ke baad,
Majil kho gai hai meri, Judaai ke baad,
Najar ko gherti hai har pal ghata yaado ki..
Gumnaam ho gaya hu gam-e-tanhai ke baad.
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कभी रो के मुस्कुराए, कभी मुस्कुरा के रोए,
जब भी तेरी याद आई तुझे भुला के रोए,
एक तेरा ही तो नाम था जिसे हज़ार बार लिखा,
जितना लिख के खुश हुए उस से ज़यादा मिटा के रोए.
Kabhi Ro ke muskuraye kabhi muskura ke Roye,
Jab bhi Teri yaad Aayi tujhe bhula ke Roye,
Ek tera hi to naam tha jise hazaar bar likha,
Jitna likh ke khush hue uss se jyada mita ke Roye..
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प्यार किया बदनाम हो गए,
चर्चे हमारे सरेआम हो गए,
ज़ालिम ने दिल उस वक़्त तोडा,
जब हम उसके गुलाम हो गए|
Pyar Kiya To Badnaam HoGaye,
Charche Hamare Sar E AamHo Gaye,
Zaalim Ne Dil Bhi Usi WaqtToda,
Jab Hum Uske Pyar K GulamHo Gaye.
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अपना होगा तो सता के मरहम देगा,
जालिम होगा अपना बना के जख्म देगा,
समय से पहले पकती नहीं फसल,
अरे बहुत बरबादियां अभी मौसम देगा|
Apna hoga to sata k marham dega,
Zalim hoga to apna bna k zakhm dega,
Samay se pehle pakti nahi fasal are..
boht barbadiyan abhi mousam dega.
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Status| Facebook Status| Status in Hindi| Status in Urdu| Attitude Status
हकूमत दूसरों के दम पर तो कोई भी कर ले , जो अपने दम पर छा जाए ………. वो हम है
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अंधेरे में तीर नहीं छोड़ते …………दुश्मन कितनी भी दूर हो हड्डी तोड़े बिना नहीं छोड़ते
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बरसात के मकोड़े हमें यही सिखाते हैं कि जिन लोगों के ‘ पंख ‘ लग जाते हैं, वो बस कुछ ही दिन के मेहमान होते हैं
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गलतफहमी मत पाल तू कि तेरा राज है ….. बेटा आकर देख ले 👀 …कौन किसका बाप है
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Status in english| WhatsApp status in english| Status of the day| Status of the year
If you think I am BAD than you’re wrong, I'm the worst.
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The biggest slap to your enemies is your success.
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I always arrive late at office but I make it by leaving early.
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Yeah You - The one reading my status, Get Lost!
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I loved a girl and she broke my heart. Now every piece of my heart love different girls. People called it flirt that's not fair…
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Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend. Now, you help me to save mine.
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Nice again
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